A Collection of One-Liners for Your Inner Smartass

A Collection of One-Liners for Your Inner Smartass

Humor in bite-sized form

  • The last thing I want in life is to hurt you. But it’s definitely on the list.

 

  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

  • How come my dog is the only member of the family with a personal trainer?

 

  • Sex is never the answer. It is the question. The answer is “Yes”.

 

  • Who thought it would be a good idea to call a reading disorder dyslexia?

 

  • “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian” is not an appropriate response when someone hands you a baby.

 

  • Few women admit their age; few men act it.

 

  • Diapers and politicians needs to be changed regularly for the exact same reason.

 

  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 

  • A clear conscience signals a bad memory.

 

  • A gift card is a polite way of saying “go buy your own damn present”.

 

  • If you think that nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a payment.

 

  • If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

 

  • Dolphins are very smart. It only takes them a few weeks to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish.

 

  • The voices in my head are not real, but their ideas are pretty good.

 

  • Just think how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

 

  • A blind man walks into a bar…and then into a table.

 

  • Dating a single mother feels like playing someone else’s saved game.

 

  • The shinbone was designed to find furniture in the dark.

 

  • Whenever I fill the Emergency Contact in an application, I always put “Hospital”. What good could my wife do?