A Collection of One-Liners for Your Inner Smartass

A Collection of One-Liners for Your Inner Smartass

Humor in bite-sized form

  • The last thing I want in life is to hurt you. But it’s definitely on the list.


  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.


  • How come my dog is the only member of the family with a personal trainer?


  • Sex is never the answer. It is the question. The answer is “Yes”.


  • Who thought it would be a good idea to call a reading disorder dyslexia?


  • “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian” is not an appropriate response when someone hands you a baby.


  • Few women admit their age; few men act it.


  • Diapers and politicians needs to be changed regularly for the exact same reason.


  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


  • A clear conscience signals a bad memory.


  • A gift card is a polite way of saying “go buy your own damn present”.


  • If you think that nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a payment.


  • If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.


  • Dolphins are very smart. It only takes them a few weeks to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish.


  • The voices in my head are not real, but their ideas are pretty good.


  • Just think how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


  • A blind man walks into a bar…and then into a table.


  • Dating a single mother feels like playing someone else’s saved game.


  • The shinbone was designed to find furniture in the dark.


  • Whenever I fill the Emergency Contact in an application, I always put “Hospital”. What good could my wife do?